Woke Up Crying

Day Three

This morning I woke up crying. Everything was great until I opened my eyes, when I was reminded by the garish print on our futon mattress that I was not in my bed. It all came crashing into me at once. This was not a bad dream or a boiling argument that would return to a simmer. My marriage is over.

I cried. Not for a long time, but enough to get it out, I think. I got up and got a cup of coffee but couldn’t drink it in the dining room with my ex-wife-to-be because I didn’t want her to see how wounded I am.

My heart hurts so much.

I don’t recall the last time I got a hug from someone that loves me.

I cried again before lunch in a three-minute torrent of tears and quiet pathetic sobs that came out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly. I’m starting to think there’s gonna be a lot of this.

There has indeed been a lot of crying today. I’ve also noticed I keep getting lost in things… I’ll go to the table to grab the remote, put something on the Roku, but before I get there, I notice something that needs to be thrown or packed, and I get distracted. Before you know it, it’s been an hour of silence in this room and I’ve spiraled down again.

It has also become clear there can be no music, because that sends me down, too… so many memories associated with songs.

Journal entry by the author, Spring 2023